


Disgusting

by Interverse



Series: Cherryberry - Alternate Timelines [3]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underfell (Undertale), Alternate Universe - Underswap (Undertale), Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-12-27 04:31:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18296885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Interverse/pseuds/Interverse
Summary: Red shouldn't be feeling the way he does. It's wrong, unnatural, and utterly disgusting.But he can't help it, and neither can Blue for feeling the same way.





	Disgusting

Red had never had a girlfriend. Absolutely pathetic, wasn’t it? He was 26 years old, and had access to so many girls it was insane with all of the universe hopping he took part in. Even if he was the least desirable monster in the entire multiverse - which he was convinced he was - somebody was bound to want him eventually. But then again, he never talked to any girls, and ran away as soon as one approached him, so he found himself in need of some excuses.

 

“It looks bad, Sans. Why would the Captain’s _brother_ not have a love interest?” Papyrus had scoffed at him one day.

 

“I uh… I dunno Boss, heh.” Red’s tongue felt dry, foreign, too large for his mouth. “Guess I just need to wait for the right… girl…”

 

“Well, hurry up with that.”

 

Red didn’t want a girlfriend, though. His brother had given him a bad impression, it seemed. Edge’s little plaything was the epitome of what an attractive woman was apparently supposed to be. Red didn’t get it, though. Why would you wear clothes that were obviously too small for you? His brother clearly loved it, though, with the way he was always grabbing at her backside, the lust barely disguised in his eyelights. He had been threatened multiple times about what would happen if he ever touched her, but Red had no desire to.

 

Luckily, it was only his brother that seemed bothered by his chronic problem of being single. The only monster that he really talked to, Blue, never brought it up. He kept their friendship mostly secret, considering that Fell monsters didn’t take too kindly to those from the softer universes, but he didn’t see why. Blue was nice, intelligent, hilarious, and shared his love of the stars. He was perfect for Red, evident from how they’d stayed in contact for more than a month, which was when most of his ‘friendships’ started to crumble.

 

That was another reason Red steered clear of girls. Even if he found one that he liked, which he was yet to do, things would inevitably fall apart. But Edge had no patience for his struggles.

 

“Sans, why aren’t you talking to her?”

 

“What?”

 

Edge had practically growled. “The new sentry that works in Snowdin, you dumbass. I picked her out specifically _for_ you. I even fucking asked, and she said she thinks you’re cute. It’s been a fucking month and you haven’t said jack shit. You could’ve nailed her by now, no problem. She’s fucking _asking_ for it, Sans. Are you just blind, or that picky?”

 

Red flinched. “Uh… I uh…”

 

“God! I know how much you hate talking to people, so I picked out the biggest whore I could find! All you have to do is smile at her, and she’d practically be in your pants already!”

 

The thought was nauseating to Red. He didn’t want this strange woman touching him, especially not… like _that_. “Sorry,” was the best he could manage to mumble.

 

“Sans.”

 

Red had looked up, meeting his brother’s gaze turning out to be painfully hard. “Y-Yeah?”

 

“Are you gay?”

 

Panic had slammed his Soul. “W-What?”

 

Edge’s sanguine eyelights were gleaming with accusation and disapproval. “Do you like men?”

 

His throat swelled shut, but he choked out what he could anyway. “No. N-No, of course not, what the fuck, that’d be fucked up, what the fuck-”

 

Edge stared at him for a long while, but finally sighed. “Good. My reputation would be ruined, otherwise. I’d only be known for my faggot brother, and nothing else.”

 

“Heh, yeah…” Red laughed, even though the word had made him flinch. “No worries. I’ll talk to her tomorrow, aight? I-I was just wanting to see if something else would work out first.”

 

A blatant lie, but by some miracle, Edge bought it.

 

He couldn’t be gay, he couldn’t. The number of times he’d seen some poor monster, beaten to near dusting because they got outed? It was so many that the experiences had started to blur together. ...And he wasn’t gay, of course he wasn’t. He was just shy.

 

So, to prove this to his brother and to himself, he kept his word, and talked to the new sentry. She was being… very flirtatious, playing with her soft ears and hair as she leaned uncomfortably close to him. He knew she was pretty, and he knew he should be drooling. Her cleavage was spilling out of her tight crop top, and she smelled all sweet and flowery. Her hips flared outward from her small waist, and he knew he should want nothing more than to grab her by them and pound her into the ground, right then and there.

 

But he didn’t.

 

That was fine, though. Maybe she just wasn’t his type. He wanted to run from the situation at that point, but engaging her had done him no good. Now she wouldn’t leave him alone, laughing her light laugh and pressing her plump lips together whenever she got the chance. He should want to see those around his cock, shouldn’t he? He didn’t. He really, _really_ didn’t. He felt like crying. She was way too close to him, her perfume burning the back of his throat.

 

He was finally saved when someone pulled her off of him, and he was going to grumble his gratitude before bailing on work for the day, but was stopped in his tracks. The monster that had come to his rescue was… too much. Muscles rippled all over their body with every movement, a strong jaw was clenched, and fierce, fiery eyes bored into the girl that had just been shoved away from him.

 

“What the fuck, Kei!” the newcomer had growled, his voice deep, rasping, and making Red weak in the knees. He had already been so overwhelmed, and he didn’t think he could handle this. Tears gathered at the rims of his sockets as the girl was yelled at by who was apparently her boyfriend.

 

The new monster finally whipped around to face him, and decided to pull him into the argument. “So, what the fuck’s wrong with you, eh? Why were you lettin this bitch practically grind on your leg? And why’re you crying about it, fag?!”

 

Was he? Oh god, he was. Tears dripped down his face, and he was shaking. He probably wouldn’t be standing if not for his post behind him. “I…”

 

“Whatever,” the monster snarled, moving closer to him so that Red was suffocated by the smell of him. Only this time, he liked it. “Just stay the fuck away from her, pussy.”

 

He closed his eyes, and when they left, surprisingly without hitting him, he crumpled to the ground. He pulled his knees against his chest, and sobbed into the sleeve of his jacket, entire body trembling and shaking from the ordeal.

 

By the time he’d made it into bed that night, he knew. He didn’t like girls. _Any_ girls. He was fucking disgusting. Guys weren’t supposed to like guys. At least, not here. In other universes, the monsters seemed to have much more freedom. Most notably, Underswap. Because Blue, the monster that had been his best friend for years? Was the most openly gay monster Red had ever met in his entire life.

 

But even though he was supposed to be repulsed by that, he wasn’t. He honestly just loved him more for it. When the word entered his mind as he lay numbly in the darkness, he quickly chased it back out. He didn’t love Blue, of course he didn’t. Only weak, sentimental monsters ‘loved’ their friends. He told himself that he was strong, that he would just stay in the closet forever and everything would work out fine and dandy, but the thoughts crumbled almost immediately and more tears surfaced. Underfell wasn’t the nicest place, but he’d survived it for long enough. Now, however? He felt utterly unsafe. In his universe, his house, his room, his body, his mind…

 

Red knew what he wanted to do. Dig a blade into his wrists and maybe ‘accidentally’ cut a bit too deep, but un-fucking-fortunately for him, he’d somehow been looped into promising Blue that he wouldn’t kill himself for at least one more month. That had been three weeks ago. He’d also promised, in a moment of emotional weakness, that he’d come to Blue whenever he felt like doing so.

 

Obviously, the solution was to just stay in his room like the pathetic piece of garbage he was and do his best to quietly keep the first part of that promise, but violating Blue’s trust, even if the other monster never found out, was a horrifying thought. Where he was from, trust was an insane phenomenon that only existed between the very closest of people, and even then was typically uncommon in all circumstances. But Blue had trusted him right away, and that meant more than the world to Red.

 

He crawled out of bed, hastily wiping away his tears and stuffing himself into his jacket and shoes before slinking through his house and out of the front door. He arrived at the portal and swiftly went through it one very nervous walk through Snowdin Forest later, exiting in Underswap’s nearly identical area a moment later with a sigh of relief. He took a few minutes, gulping in deep breaths of the cold night air and making sure to erase any and all signs that he’d be crying. It didn’t help when he only ended up starting again, but the woods were empty and he wasn’t taking any chances. Once he had finally managed to calm himself down, he trudged off towards Blue’s house, and knocked upon arriving. It took uncharacteristically long for the door to open with how on top of things Blue always was, but Red realized why once it finally did and he was greeted with the sight of his friend, yawning and in his pajamas.

 

“Fuckfuckfuck I-I woke you up- fuck shit nonono-” Red’s chest was constricting, and he curled in on himself, humiliation and shame and just fucking disgust towards everything that he was consuming him.

 

A small hand with a strong grip on his shoulder brought him back from the brink of madness. “It’s okay, Red,” Blue soothed, eyelights very reasonably and obviously tired, but earnest. “I’d give up sleep to talk to you any day.”

 

Red’s breath caught in his throat, but he managed to force down the tears that seemed so fond of him as of late at the last second. He tried to speak, but had no idea what to say, so it only came out a strained grunt.

 

Blue’s hand traveled downwards and grabbed his, then gave a small tug. “Come on in. I’ll make some tea.”

 

Red hated tea, or at least he did when it came from anywhere else but a mug that Blue personally placed in his hands, so he hesitantly followed Blue into his house and settled on the couch. He was given the promised tea several long minutes later, and Blue sat sideways on the couch in order to face him with his own mug. “So,” so said quietly, “Tell me what’s up.”

 

Red’s silence must have been telling enough, Because sadness glittered in the other monster’s eyelights, and he spoke again. “Want to talk about it?”

 

Red shook his head.

 

“Okay. Is there anything I can do?”

 

Nothing realistic. “...No. J-Just being here is… helping…” He wasn’t lying.

 

“Alright,” Blue softly responded, blowing on his tea. “Would you like me to put something on the TV? It’ll have to be quiet, because my brother’s still sleeping, but we could watch whatever you want. I can also make you something to eat if you like.”

 

Red slowly turned to look at his friend, obviously exhausted, but still sitting there in his galaxy print pajamas with so much kindness in his eyes as if he hadn’t been woken up by his fuck up of an alternate at three in the morning. “No,” Red sighed, voice much smaller than he had intended for it to sound. “I’m not hungry. But we could watch something, yeah. Whatever is fine.”

 

Blue nodded, and picked up the remote. ‘Whatever’ turned out to be a space documentary, which Red couldn’t help but feel comforted by. They sat there in comfortable silence, sipping the hot tea and taking in the information that they mostly already knew. When their mugs were empty and the program was over, Red was about ready to fall asleep right where he sat, which turned out to be pretty obvious to any observers.

 

“Would you like to stay here tonight?”

 

Red had crashed on Blue’s couch before, and nothing bad had come of it, so he saw no harm in doing so, not to mention the fact that his Soul jumped at the opportunity. “Yes… please.”

 

Blue stood, and Red allowed his eyes to slide closed, but the monster didn’t walk away to fetch spare bedding as he had expected him to, so he opened them again. “O-Or not, whatever, I-I’ll just go-”

 

He was halfway through scrambling to his feet before Blue spoke again, stopping him in his tracks. “No, I want you to stay.” The Swap skeleton seemed to hesitate before continuing. “I was just wondering if you’d maybe want to sleep in my room instead.”

 

So many confusing thoughts and emotions whirled through Red’s head, and he honestly couldn’t speak.

 

“The bed’s plenty big,” Blue continued on, “And I’d just like to… you know, keep an eye on you.” He swallowed visibly. “I don’t want you doing anything unsafe.”

 

Red sighed in relief. Alright, that sounded reasonable. He wasn’t really sure how he felt about the idea, but he did have to admit that the comfort of a bed and perhaps… the company of another monster sounded nice. “I… okay.”

 

Upon entering his room, Blue climbed into his rocket ship bed first, then held the covers open for Red. Now dressed in only his shorts and one of Blue’s oversized shirts, Red hesitantly slid himself underneath the blankets. Blue smiled at him and told him to sleep well, then turned over on his side. Red did the same, and they ended up with their backs pressed together.

 

Red shivered at the warmth of the other’s spine against his own, but most of his anxieties had faded by the time Blue’s breathing evened out. The serenity persisted for all of five minutes before everything came rushing back to him. All of it. First came more tears, but that was fine. He could hold the noises in. But then he was shaking, then wheezing in fear of Blue waking up to find him like this, and when it inevitably happened, he was wheezing and hiccuping around his disgusting little sobs while Blue’s hands wound around his shoulders. He accepted his defeat and kept on crying, expecting to be questioned or rolled over or told to shut up, but Blue only rubbed soothing circles into his bones, never making a sound or faltering for a moment.

 

It felt like hours before he had quieted to only ragged breaths, but Blue soothed him through all of it, and finally spoke once he had calmed down. “Can you roll over, Red?”

 

He obediently did so, but hid his tear-streaked face in his hands and whimpered pathetically at the exposure. Blue shushed him, and gently placed his own hands atop Red's before lowering them. Red allowed it, but still didn’t meet his friend’s gaze. Blue didn’t push him, just massaged his knuckles and allowed him to settle further. Once he had, he spoke. “Red, please talk to me. I can tell something’s wrong.”

 

If he weren’t so exhausted, he probably would have burst out in tears again. What use was it lying now, anyway? Blue could keep his shameful secret. “Y… You’re… pretty g… ay, right?” He had trouble even speaking the word.

 

Blue nodded a bit. “And I have been my entire life.”

 

Red didn’t bother saying anything else, knowing that he’d implied his perils enough for inferences to be made.

 

“How long have you known?” Blue eventually murmured.

 

“...Since this afternoon,” Red whimpered, finally meeting the other monster’s gaze. “But I’ve uh… had my suspicions for… a _long_ time…” Especially in the last few years.

 

Blue squeezed his hands. “You know it’s not wrong, no matter how much anyone in your universe thinks it is.”

 

Red whined. “But I… I _can’t_. I can’t be. I-I’ll get myself _killed_ \- and oh god, my _brother_ -” His breathing began to quicken, and Blue’s hands relocated to the sides of his face, where they tenderly but firmly held it.

 

“Red.” Blue’s eyelights were solid, despite the softness of his voice. “It’s going to be okay. I’ll help you. You don’t have to tell anybody. You can stay safe until you can get approved to move to another universe, and then you’ll never have to see any of those people ever again. They don’t deserve to know you.”

 

Red began to cry again, but it was quieter this time. Blue softly tugged on him, and when Red didn’t protest, embraced him and pulled him into himself. Red buried his face in Blue’s shoulder, clumsily wrapping his arms around the other skeleton and sniffling into his already tear soaked shirt. Blue ran a comforting hand up and down his spine, while the other held him tightly and securely.

 

How did he deny himself for so long? It was so painfully obvious that he was so painfully gay, and yet he’d pushed it down. Girls had always terrified him, and even during and then after the horrifying experience that had been puberty, he had no desires for them at all. That could have made him ace, but then again, looking at certain guys always made his Soul flutter, and on the rare occasions when he had the gall to allow his mind to fantasize, it shot straight to a place that he was horrified to find it. Even back in the days of middle school, when he was forced inside of the hells that were locker rooms, the smell of all the other boys around him made him feel things that he knew he _really_ shouldn’t be.

 

And now…

 

He’d never actually been this close to Blue before. He was warm, and sturdy despite his small stature, and he smelled so… right? The most notable element to the smell of him was coconuts, which Red had already been aware of as the scent of his magic, but there were other, deeper tones to it, now that he was plastered to the guy’s side. They made him want the other monster, so desperately that whatever shreds of his control he had managed to preserve throughout the events of the day quickly fell away.

 

He found himself groaning as his tears slowed to a trickle, a pain growing in his Soul. He looked up at the Swap skeleton, harshly gripping onto large handfuls of his pajama shirt against his spine. “Blue…” he mewled, only distantly aware of how much he was shaking.

 

One of Blue’s hands moved to cup his cheek again. “It’s okay,” he whispered, “I know.”

 

“Y-You do?” Red whimpered, face burning crimson with his magic.

 

“Yes, and I love you too.”

 

Red let out another sob, but no tears accompanied it. “C-Can I… move here, then?”

 

“You’d better.”

 

Blue’s mouth met his, and Red was instantly gone, away from this world and off in his own, where the only things that existed were the fluttering of Souls and the desperate gripping of hands long since denied what they so fiercely wanted and so honestly needed.

**Author's Note:**

> Take care of yourself, alright?
> 
> Psst, if you've made it this far, I _highly_ suggest you check out the _amazing_ [sequel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19269457) that TichiTheTaco is writing. It's fed my Soul, so I hope it will yours as well!


End file.
